Teh Car Blogz

One thing I’ve noticed about car magazines in the US (besides the boring ones like Consumer Reports) is that above anything, they like to emphasize acceleration as a defining characteristic of a car’s worth. It’s not hard to notice. On the front cover of the latest Car and Driver, they have a few headlines. The big one proclaims “The Fast Lane!: BMW 135i, 0-60 4.7s.” Further down there’s “Nissan GT-R 0-60 3.3.” At the bottom, in small font is “The Slow Lane: Smart ForTwo, 0-60 14.4s.”

Let me be the first one to say: Who gives a shit how fast a Smart Car gets to sixty miles an hour? No one’s going to be drag-racing from light to light in their Smart. A Smart is an economical fashion accessory, like a Swatch (imagine that!) It’s a conversation piece. It’s the new Prius. The only people racing smarts are the ones with Smartuki conversions, so all three of them. The 0-60 time on a Smart is about as relevant as the fuel efficiency of a dump truck.
But this is America, where we have (comparatively) cheap gas, the roads are wide and straight, and if you’re not going 80 on the highway, you’re getting run over. So magazines shout about how fast a car can reach 60 - which is a pretty arbitrary number.

There are a lot of fast cars out there. But let me let you in on a secret: some of them really, truly suck.

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Patrick: A bold statement to be sure, however I feel it is true. I make decent money in my position now and have a habit to browse for my next car (yes, I change cars like people change socks). I sat down with my most recent TopGear magazine and a few other car magazines and flipped through them. Decent cars are littered between the covers, but all of them have flaws. For example: Audi A4, looks like a big-mouth bass mated with a BMW 3 series. While I like the lights and engine, the exterior is atrocious. Plus, it makes you look like an actuary driving about. So it’s out. BMW 3 is alright. The flame styling looks nice, but aside from a 335i coupe, the rest are boring. Even the new M3 has too many bulges, baubles, and buttons for my taste.

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I was recently on my way from my house in Raleigh to visit some friends in nearby Chapel Hill. It was about 9:00 at night or so, and it was raining lightly. The weather struck me as being vaguely British in it’s awfulness. It was cold, rainy, and windy. I had the new album by Against Me cranked on the stereo in my Jetta and was slightly zoned out. I decided to make a pit-stop at a gas station just off I-40 to pick up a soda and a pack of cigarettes.

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I was reading a recent article on police crackdowns on modified cars. The crux of the police’s argument is “Why do you want to go faster, the only people who go fast are street racers, obviously.” I just do not understand that mentality. Heck, the police cars are modified to go faster and run harder. While the differences between a P71 Police Cruiser and a turbocharged Civic are vast and numerous, one must ask why not? Despite the obvious safety implications of letting Tommy the street racer soup up his 3000GT, what harm is in modifying cars. Go faster, turn harder, stop shorter, or make a style statement. These ideas echo back to the roots of the automotive industry. A few guys tinkering with a motor and wheels. In the 50’s it was hot rods, the 60’s muscle cars, in the 80’s imports emerged in earnest, 90’s saw the soar in street racing mentality, and the new decade has brought about a more subtle scene (mostly to combat unwanted Piggie attention).

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Nowadays, most people take the safety features of their cars for granted. There aren’t really a whole lot of cars on the market that actually get bad crash test ratings from any of the various agencies that rate them. Rafts of standard airbags, stability control, antilock brakes, brakeforce distribution, electronic brake assist, and built in anti-submarining and crumple zones mean that even a base-model economy car isn’t a bad bet in a wreck. It hasn’t always been like this. There are still a few cars around that I would recommend not driving for the practical reason that they might end your life.
1) 2001-2004 Chevy Blazer 2-Door 2WD

Why: High occurence of rollover-related deaths due to inadequate roof structural integrity

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With some cars, it’s not hard to see the performance hidden beneath a layer of boring, anodyne stockness. Cars like 1.8 Turbo Audi A4’s. They’re not quick from the factory but a few choice extra bits can get you a whole lot of shove. Most people who know cars know this, which seems to me to make the feat a whole lot less impressive.

Many people pick up sport compacts and modify them because they think it makes them more clever than the domestic drivers. “I’m getting 300 wheel horsepower out of my four cylinder!” is a good rallying cry when proclaiming your superiority of dumbestics. (Actually, that’s up for debate.) But really, is there anyone who knows cars who is surprised you can make a really fast SRT-4? If that’s a secret, then so is that whole Clinton-Lewinski affair debacle. I mean, hooray. You can put a chip, a diverter valve and a downpipe on your GTI and then you have a lot of extra power. But you’re not original.

No, what appeals to me are cars that no one would ever expect to be fast. Cars that even surprise true died-in-the-wool car guys. Here are a few ideas.

1) Toyota Matrix

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Patrick:
Toyota Prius. I admit the BMW X6 is close second, however the Prius just sucks so badly its black hole encompasses the BMW. It is the epitome of lackluster design and soulless driving that I hate in cars. It is driven by the Hollywood set for appearances and to seem ecologically friendly. In reality they drive the worst car in recent memory. You can buy a Mini Cooper and get similar mileage or get a TDI Volkswagen and not even use any gasoline, both of which keep you from looking like a tool. The Prius is a posers car if every there was such a thing. Also problematic is the style, or more accurately lack of style. Toyota’s hybrid looks like a Corolla and a Pontiac Aztec mated. A swollen, disorganized conglomerate of styling cues. It looks as if Congress convened a panel to design and implement the thing. A bit of hatch here, gas engine there. A dash of technology in the display sytem and electric motors as a bit of an afterthought. The electric motor and gas motor even work like Congress. (It’s your turn to work some gas motor, not yet electric) Overall, the car is disgusting in its ecological arrogance and design. Just get a diesel or motorcycle for the sake of all things automotively decent.

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One persistent rumor that has been floating around automotive circles for years and years is that the triumphant return to the United State of Alfa Romeo is just around the corner. I think perhaps we should pause and look back to when Alfa last sold cars in the US for a bit of perspective.

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We here at TCB use some pretty big words (dual overhead camshaft engine with centrifugal supercharger, direct injection, and coil on pack ignition, lol). I thought it would be appropriate that we break it down a little for some of the newer readers and those beginning their journey as car hoons and nerds.

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I despise F1, hate NASCAR, and loathe Indy Car. Why you might ask? Well settle beside the fireside and let me tell you.

Money.

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